Some days I ask myself what I did to deserve this man.
I had a great day. I mean a fantastic day. I had a fun day at work, @teaghenhall came down and made content with me, @tatum.moss got off early and brought us lunch and hung out, @harperanncollection came and got her hair done, I did @itss.katy hair. Like we had so much fun today.

But I was just off today. I think I needed like a couch rot evening. So after work, I laid down for an hour.
This man? He gets up and goes to work every day by 5am. I had a leak on my ac in my studio, so in between getting tools and material he came to check on me. We had turned it off so I let it run until he got home from work bc it was dripping so badly. He came home and fixed it. Then he made dinner. A really good dinner. He fixed my leaking sprinkler. He fixed my tv mount. He made me a salad while I literally sat on my butt. I don’t do that a lot.

And when I said “what did I do to deserve you? “
He said “you do everything”.

He lets me be off. He lets me be tired. He pampers me, he values me, he dotes on me, he protects me, he provides for me.
He works equally as hard in this marriage, our property, at his job, and in life.

I’ll prob never stop feeling guilty for taking a nap.But he sure does lighten the load.

I’m trying to do better at listening to my body, resting my mind and body. Allowing myself to be still. Relaxing. Im trying to be more gentle to myself.

Dustin is so good at making me feel like I deserve that. 🤍

Now that I’m entering perimenopause, menopause, whatever you want to call it, a second chapter or tenth considering my life, I’m really looking back and learning so much about myself.

For so long people thought I was too brash, too bold, mean, controlling, or even a b!tch.
They were prob right. Maybe I was too intense, spoke my mind, more than they could handle.

I was practically at war. Three kids, very little help. Financially or physically. I got child support for one out of 3, I had no family here and I worked 3 jobs so my kids never felt what it was like to live with a single mom who made one poor choice after another.
I was fighting for my life and theirs.

And now that I’m no longer at war, I’m reflecting. Who left me on the front line. Who criticized me while I did it. Who should have and could have offered support and didn’t.

Which takes me to who would I be? Who would I be and would have been had I picked the right husband from the start. Who would I be had I had someone to help me discipline, pay bills, take the load off, and do life like God designed.

Maybe I would have been softer. Maybe I would have been slower to speak and slower to anger. Maybe I would have been more patient. Maybe I wouldn’t have made so many mistakes.

But here we are. I don’t regret a lot. This was my path, this was my journey. I’ve learned a lot. I’m a great person who raised amazing kids and I’ve done well for myself. To the best of my ability. Considering.

Now, I’m more selective. I won’t go back to war. I’ve done my fair share. I paid my dues.
I’m ready for peace.

But if you’re someone who has felt at war for years, your break is coming. Keep fighting the good fight. Do it for your kids.
Protecting them and raising them is worth every battle wound.

I want to be someone who cheers you on. Bc the front line is rough. The battle rages. The supplies are limited.

But the efforts. They are worth it. And you’ll be so proud of what you accomplished. But don’t forget. What you’re capable of. The character built. What you survived. Who you became.

I’m ready to see what this future holds. Where I just relax, hold my babies and celebrate my victory. 🤍